Ang Nawawalang Effort

          Sa 'yo X,

          Sabi mo limang taon na kayo ng nobyo mo. Nakakatuwa, masaya ako para sa inyo. Sa panahon ngayon kung kailan ilang linggo na lang ang itinatagal ng forever, heto kayo't pinatutunayan na may magkasintahan pa ring taon ang inaabot at hindi isang linggong pag-ibig lamang. Nang sabihin mo ngang mahal mo siya at mahal ka niya, napangiti ako nang wagas. Ramdam ko, e. Tagos. Sa dami ba naman ng emoticon na ginamit mo sa chat para maiparamdam sa 'kin ang pagmamahalan ninyo, hindi pa ba ako maniniwala? 

          Pero aaminin ko sa 'yo, napangiwi ako nang sabihin mong gusto mong maging smooth ang relasyon n'yo. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, naku ito na, siguradong may problema. Hindi mo naman kasi sasabihin 'yon kung walang bato sa dinaraanan n'yo. At ayun nga, tama nga ako, tuloy-tuloy mo nang sinabi na minsan nalulungkot ka dahil hindi mahilig mag-effort ang nobyo mo. Na minsan pakiramdam mo wala ka lang sa kanya, na kapag anibersaryo ninyo, babati lang siya tapos wala na. Walang bulaklak, tsokolate o kahit sine man lang. At kapag hindi kayo nagkikita nang matagal, todo text ka sa kanya, siya, magte-text lang 'pag naisipan niya. 

          Pero kung may tumatak man sa 'kin sa lahat ng sinabi mo, ito 'yon, "Hindi ba dapat give and take kami? Bakit pakiramdam ko ako lang ang nagbibigay, tapos siya, tanggap lang nang tanggap? Ano'ng gagawin ko?"

          Ano'ng dapat mong gawin? Teka, ang hirap naman, hindi naman talaga ako magaling magpayo. Pero pipilitin ko, at sana nama'y makatulong ako sa 'yo...

       

          Sa totoo lang, naiintindihan ko kung bakit gusto mong maging smooth ang relasyon ninyo at kung bakit ka naghahanap ng effort mula sa kanya. Gusto mong maramdaman na mahalaga ka sa pamamagitan ng mga bagay na ginagawa niya para sa 'yo, hindi ba? Gusto mong makita na hindi lang ikaw ang gumagawa ng paraan para tumagal kayo. Gusto mong madama na dalawa kayong kumikilos sa relasyon na binuo n'yo. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang may gusto ng gano'n, lahat yata ng nagmamahal, may minamahal, o gustong magmahal ay gan'yan ang gusto. Isang pag-ibig na halos perpekto. 

          Pero wala naman kasing perpekto. Kahit gaano ka-cliché pakinggan, 'yan ang totoo. Kahit gaano mo kagustong maging swabe ang lahat, tipong walang problema kahit kailan, walang hadlang, happy lang, hindi pwede 'yon. Mayro'n at mayro'n pa rin talagang magiging problema... at ang sa inyo nga ay ang pagkukulang niya sa effort. 

          X, ang effort na 'yan, sobrang laking salita n'yan (hindi literal dahil pareho lang naman ang font size na ginamit ko sa salitang 'yon at sa iba pang mga salitang tinitipa ko ngayon.) Ang effort, madalas hanapin ng mga tao, tulad mo, na para bang isa iyong batang mahilig maglayas 'pag napagalitan. Ang effort, gustong-gusto natin 'yang maramdaman. Nakakahaba nga naman kasi ng buhok kapag may isang taong ginagawa ang lahat para sa 'tin. 

          Pero ang kawawang effort, madalas nand'yan lang, hindi lang makita dahil abala tayo sa pagtanaw at paghihintay sa ibang mga bagay, sa malalaking mga bagay. Ngayon, tatanungin kita, ano ba ang depinisyon mo sa salitang effort? Madalas kasing d'yan nagkakatalo ang mga tao, sa depinisyon. 

          Tulad ng pag-ibig, maaring sabihin mo na ang depinisyon ng pag-ibig ay pag-ikot ng mundo, pagtibok ng puso, pagpula ng pisngi at pagkautal ng dila, pero kung siyentipiko ang makakarinig sa 'yo ay baka mabatukan ka lang niya at bigyan ng mahaba-habang eksplanasyon kung bakit umiikot ang mundo, tumitibok ang puso, pumupula ang pisngi, at nauutal ang dila, saka niya isasampal sa 'yo ang katotohanang para sa kanya, walang kinalaman ang pag-ibig sa mga pangyayaring iyon.

          Kaya X, ano ba sa 'yo ang effort? Iyon bang dapat may matatanggap ka tuwing darating ang mga espesyal na petsa sa buhay ninyo? Iyon bang dapat may text siya sa 'yo tuwing umaga? Iyon bang dapat agad-agad ang reply niya kapag tinatanong mo siya kung naligo na ba siya? Iyon ba?

          Hindi ba effort ang pagbati niya sa 'yo tuwing anibersaryo ninyo? Hindi ba effort ang pagte-text niya, hindi man palagi pero ginagawa niya pa rin? Hindi ba effort na sa loob ng limang taon ninyo bilang magkasintahan, naramdaman mong mahal ka niya? Hindi ba?

          X, naiintindihan kong may mga bagay kang gustong mangyari o makuha mula sa kanya. Mga bagay na sa palagay mo ay dapat lang na ibigay niya dahil katumbas 'yon ng pagpaparamdam niya ng pagmamahal sa 'yo. Pero gusto kong malaman mo na 'yung maramdaman mo pa lang na mahal ka niya, sobrang laking effort na no'n. 'Yung maalala pa lang niya kung kailan ang natatanging araw para sa inyo, effort na 'yon. 'Yung mga simpleng bagay na ipinapakita niya, effort 'yun.

          

          Kung minsan man dumarating sa punto na pakiramdam mo wala ka lang sa kanya, tingnan mo muna kung ano ang rason niya. Kung hindi ka man niya mabigyan ng magandang regalo sa anibersaryo ninyo, isipin mo muna kung may pera ba siya, baka pareho pa kayong estudyante at umaasa sa mga magulang ninyo, intindihin mo siya. 

          Kung nagtatrabaho na kayo at hindi ka pa rin niya mabigyan ng kahit ano, tanungin mo muna ang sarili mo, talaga bang sasaya ka at mararamdaman mo na mahalaga ka sa pamamagitan ng materyal na bagay na maaari niyang ibigay? Kung hindi, congratulations, isa kang alamat. Kung oo, gusto kong ipaalala sa iyo na ang materyal na mga bagay, naluluma 'yan, kumukupas, minsan pa'y nawawala. Maaaring mapasaya ka n'yan ngayon, pero mapapasaya ka ba ng mga 'yan sa mahabang panahon? 

          Wala siyang maibigay? Baka naman nag-iipon siya? Baka may mga bagay o tao siyang pinaglalaanan ng pera niya? Nanay o tatay na may sakit? Kapatid na pinag-aaral? Mga kamag-anak na sinusuportahan? Higit kahit kanino, ikaw dapat ang nakakaalam ng rason niya dahil ikaw naman ang nakakakilala sa kanya.

          Kung hindi ka man niya ma-reply-an agad sa mga text mo, pakiramdaman mo muna, baka abala siya sa pag-aaral, sa trabaho o sa ibang bagay. Tandaan mo, kahit gaano mo pa kagustong sa 'yo umikot ang mundo niya, hindi mangyayari 'yon. May mga bagay pa rin na kailangan din niyang pagtuunan ng pansin bukod sa 'yo. Kung lumilipas ang ilang buwan na hindi siya nagpaparamdam, kausapin mo siya. Itanong mo kung ano'ng problema. O kung may problema nga ba. 

          Sa bawat problema, pag-uusap talaga ang nangungunang solusyon. Hindi mo dapat kinikimkim ang mga bagay na bumabagabag sa 'yo, maliit man 'yan o malaki. Paano ka makakakuha ng sagot kung hindi ka magtatanong? At paano niya malalaman ang nararamdaman mo kung hindi mo sasabihin? 

          Tama ka sa sinabi mo kanina, sa pagmamahal, dapat hindi ka lang tanggap nang tanggap, dapat nagbibigay ka rin. Kung sa palagay mo, ikaw lang ang nagbibigay, may gusto akong ipaalala sa 'yo. Sabi mo, mahal ka niya, hindi ba? Kaya paanong mangyayaring wala kang natatanggap mula sa kanya kung nasa 'yo ang pagmamahal niya? Isa pa, hindi maganda kung magbibilangan kayo ng mga nagawa para sa isa't isa. Mas masarap ang pag-ibig na handang magbigay hangga't kaya pa, magbibigay nang walang hinihinging kapalit.

          'Wag mong hayaang kainin ka nang buhay ng hinahanap mong effort. 'Wag mong hayaang masira kayo dahil lang may mga bagay siyang hindi maibigay sa 'yo. Give and take, X. Pero hindi lang effort ang kailangang ibigay at matanggap ng taong nasa isang relasyon. Kailangan din ng komunikasyon, pang-unawa, oras at marami pang mga bagay. 

          Kausapin mo siya. Oo, uulitin ko, kausapin mo siya. Hindi mo kaya? Kayanin mo para sa ikatatahimik ng relasyon ninyo! Sabihin mo kung ano'ng totoo mong nararamdaman. Sabihin mong may hinahanap kang hindi niya ibinibigay. Hintayin mong magpaliwanag siya. At kapag nalaman mo na ang panig niya, timbangin mo kung ano'ng gusto mong mangyari sa inyo. Tatanggapin mo ba na may mga bagay talagang hindi niya kayang ibigay o tatalikuran mo siya dahil din sa parehong rason? Ikaw lang ang makasasagot n'yan. Kahit pa sabihin ko sa 'yo ngayon kung ano ang sa tingin kong dapat mong gawin, sa huli, desisyon mo pa rin ang masusunod. 

          At bago ako magtapos, isang katanungan ang gusto kong sagutin mo... masaya ka ba? Masaya ka pa ba? Kung oo, walang rason para pahirapan mo ang sarili mo. Dahil kung masaya ka, kinulang man siya sa effort o hindi, mamahalin mo pa rin siya. At kung masaya ka sa kanya at nararamdaman mong mahal ka niya, walang problema ang magpapatumba sa relasyon n'yong dalawa. 

          Hanggang dito na lang, X, sana'y may naitulong ako. Hangad ko ang kaligayahan ninyong dalawa.

          Hanggang sa Muli,

          Justmainey

Lahok sa Ispesyal na Patimpalak ng Saranggola Blog Awards (www.sba.ph).

The Listener

The Listener 

by: justmainey

I was awakened by a warm hand that slowly caressed my jaw, drove its way to my nose, up to my brows. A peculiar sensation consumed me as the hand traveled my rugged face. 

I heard a deep sigh, followed by a sweet gentle voice continuously saying my name-Kurt. That voice. I tried so hard to open my eyes but to no avail. My body was numb, or so I thought.

"Good bye, Kurt. I-" I heard her whispered as I rested my back on the bed, still unable to move.

"I missed you." And with that, my eyes automatically flew open, as if her final words were some kind of a spell, which caused my senses to come back to its function after a momentary hibernation. 

I immediately eyed the room, but she was nowhere to be found. I sighed and remembered everything that happened.

"I am Asuna."

"Uh yeah, you told me five times already. So Asuna, how may I help you?" I asked patiently on the lady who suddenly grabbed the hem of my shirt while I was on the middle of my walk to the grocery - which is only meters away from my house. At one moment, I thought she was a forgotten acquaintance, but then she whispered, 'Help' - and my very first guess evaporated.

I looked at her and noticed her features. She have this long orange-brownish chestnut hair that flows against her shoulders up to her waist, and gloomy hazel eyes that caused her to appear lost, sad and confuse - all at the same time. Nevertheless, she's beautiful.

I groaned in frustration and furrowed my eyebrows when I realized that she didn't bother answer my question. With losing patience, I told her to follow me to the police station - because police officers might help - but she didn't oblige. Instead, she closed her eyes and raised both hands. 

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked curiously. 

She flashed a small smile. "Feel the wind. Let it touch you inside out. Let the warmth of it be felt not only by your skin, but also by your heart. Life's beautiful, too beautiful to be wasted," she stated, her eyes still shut.

Her words, though sweet, were like dagger that stabbed my very soul. No, life was never beautiful. 

She opened her eyes then looked at me. "I am here to help," she asserted in a serious tone. I stared back, lips twitched. 

"I know everything about you, Kurt - everything," she added. 

I felt something tightened inside my stomach. How did she know my name? 

Her words disturbed and frightened me at the same time, so I pulled her on the arm and led the way to my bungalow house. I wiped my sweat as we reached my small house, while she did nothing but eyed the whole place.

"You're just trying to scare me, right?" I gritted.

She cocked her head on the side before she sat on the couch. "Sometimes, all we needed is someone who would listen. And Kurt Iris Tompkins, I could be that someone. Scratch that, I am that someone," she replied.

I was taken aback by the mere mention of my full name. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it again.

"Still in doubt? Well, you're twenty years old, a painter, stopped studying since you were ten, a nocturnal, loves seafood, and-" 

"You're a stalker?" I butted in but she just laughed. I set my lips into a fine line. 

"Ugh, w-what else do you know?" I stammered.

"I know how sad and angry you are - to the world and to yourself," she murmured.

I felt chills down my spine. "I am not," I responded.

She shook her head and looked at me with those pitiful eyes. "You are. Your parents died from an accident when you were ten, they left you with nothing but this house," she stated. I was ready to say something when she continued, "You'd been working since then, you became a beggar when your house was foreclosed. Then, you tried to be a shoe shiner but it didn't work that much, until someone asked you to be a call boy."

I felt my knees weakened.

"You immediately agreed, you never thought twice. You were only thirteen back then - that young, Kurt, that young. When someone called you on the middle of the night, you'd go and play dirty. You did that for the how many years? Three years? Four years? Sleeping with women way older than you, letting them torment every piece of you. But still, you are smart, because when you obtained money enough for a living, you bought this house back and quitted from that job. But you didn't expect what you felt after quitting," she paused, but not for long because she finally added, "You felt empty, and before you knew it, you were in love."

I felt a lump on my throat, my lips quivered. "Stop," I stated.

"You fell in love, Kurt, but at the wrong person and time. You're just seventeen that time. She was twenty-seven and married. She was one of the women you used to pleasure at night, she was one of those who taught you how to fuck - that was your term, to fuck."

"Stop," I repeated. I felt like drowning, pain was consuming me. "Please, stop," I begged. 

"But Erica died." 

Her face swung left as I slapped her. I swallowed as I noticed that my palm left a mark on her face - her cheeks immediately turned red. I breathed heavily, tried containing both guilt and anger. 

I trembled and held back my tears as an image of Erica flashed in my mind.

"S-sorry," Asuna mumbled.

A loud thud filled the house as I punched the wall beside her. I walked towards her but she immediately took a step back - fear, fear was visible in her eyes.

"I don't know how on earth you did know everything," I said with gritted teeth. "But knowing everything doesn't give you the goddamn permission to talk about my life as if it was your life you're blabbing. Three years, I'd been doing everything to forget about my misfortunes for three years now and I'm doing well," My voice broke on my last word.

"I-I shouldn't have said that," she said but her eyes were fixed on the floor.

"Go home," I said authoritatively.

"I can't, not until I help you."

"Cut that crap! Just go get a life!" I shouted. 

Her eyes glistened, as if she was on the verge of tears. "Y-you don't understand, Kurt. I've been eyeing you for quite a long time and now's the perfect time for me to be here." She sighed before she continued, "You may or may not believe this but... I'm a sylph, an air spirit -the listener. I am one of those invisible beings of the air. And I can assume human form in order to guide, influence, listen and inspire human actions. Yes, I should be the one listening, but you are so stubborn that I needed to push myself to be the story-teller," she said in a small voice. 

I laughed at her spiel. "Sylph, huh?" 

She shook her head. "Of course you won't believe me, not until you see this." 

She closed her eyes, murmured something and a strong cold wind suddenly blew. I dropped my jaw as I saw Asuna floating in the midst of the air, with white fairy-like wings on - her long hair seemed like dancing. I blinked thrice to be sure that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me and swallowed hard. W-what the hell?

After seconds of astonishment, everything went back to its normal phase - the cold wind gone. I was rooted to the ground, my mouth wide open - she's goddamn real. 

"F-Fuck," I stumbled out of words, unable to process what I'd seen.

"I guess, you do believe now, Kurt," she said. 

"I-I didn't-ugh, I can't do this." I stammered.

"Go ahead, Kurt. Talk." 

I eyed her. Something was telling me to trust her - something I couldn't fathom.

And all hell broke loose when I started talking. "When... when my parents died, I swear I had also died with them. I didn't have anyone back then - not even friends or relatives to support me. I thought of giving up, that one day I would just die because of freezing or hunger - but it didn't happen. And yeah, I was asked to be a call boy and I didn't think twice.

"Maybe if you were on my position, you would also grab every opportunity -whether righteous or not- that would come your way. And so I accepted it. I did have sex with different women of different ages - without any other feelings involved except lust. 

"But... one of them seemed to care - Erica. She treated me differently, she was kind, sweet and loving, but I never gave a damn. My only focus was on how to drive my way out of that dirty job. And after four years, I gained enough money and quitted. But I felt empty. I thought I was just missing the feeling of sex and orgasms so I tried picking up girls but that didn't fill the emptiness I was feeling. 

"And then I saw Erica again - I felt my cheeks heated up and my heart pounded so loud upon seeing her. That was when I found out that she was the one I was missing. And I was so damn... in love. She loved me back - the happiest, yet the saddest part as well. Happiest because I felt being loved again, saddest because ..." I trailed off.

She gave me an encouraging smile. I turned my gaze away.

"Her husband had known everything. I didn't know how, but he knew. And because of that, he... he killed her." I closed my eyes to prevent myself from crying. "He stabbed her. He did that as if she was some kind of a wild animal. He killed the only person that gave me hope, the one that made me feel loved again." Then it happened, tears started streaming down my face before I could even stop them. 

"Kurt," Asuna whispered.

"I know it's so unman of me to cry in front of you, but I can't help it," I mumbled with broken voice.

I felt my heart thumped fast as she wiped my tears away. "Crying doesn't make you less of a man. In fact, you have just shown me your strong side, Kurt, and I am happy because finally... you voiced your heart out. I do hope you would be able to move forward - really move forward this time, with no guilt, sadness, or anger in your heart. You've suffered enough, don't let yourself suffer 'til your last breath," she murmured. 

Then, she leaned forward and enveloped me with a hug. I felt something strange when our skin touched. I hugged her back and cried on her arms - cried until I doze off to sleep, but before I could finally closed my eyes, I noticed a tear fell from her eye.

And when I woke up the next day, Asuna... was gone. 

--x

I came back to my senses when a strong wind blew. A month had passed and I was hoping she would come back - and she did. I didn't know what happened to her after she left. But one thing is for sure, she was here a while ago - I know she was here.

My eyes darted on the painting hanging on the wall. I painted it the day after she left - with the same features she had a month ago. Except that I made her ear an elf-ear, to emphasize that she will forever be the listener - my listener. 

"I missed you, too. Thank you," I whispered.

A warm wind blew around, as if it was hugging me. I smiled to myself.